I let everyone down. Most of them would never say it. Most
of them don’t even know what they’re missing (ha). But I do let everyone down.
Sometimes, someone notices.
My thoughts began to spin around this topic over the fact
that there was a deacon in the hospital who I should have visited, and I didn’t
get around to it before he was out. Granted the hospital was an hour away, and
it wasn’t a life threatening situation, but I still wish I would have made the
visit. For one thing, I really like the guy. It was a chance to further our
relationship, and I missed it.
Don’t get the wrong idea. Truth is I don’t make a ton of
hospital visits. I’ve delegated the bulk of that to our deacon ministry. So
don’t think I’m that run-ragged pastor who thinks he has to do everything
himself, because that’s not the case. Our church is too big for that. I try to
lead leaders and focus on my relationships with leaders.
All of this led me to start thinking about how I prioritize relationships. I think it probably goes something like this:
1.) My Wife
2.) My Kids (3 including my son’s wife)
3.) My Parents
4.) Close Friends (maybe 2-3)
5.) Church Staff (7 people)
6.) Church Leaders of Leaders
7.) Church Leaders
8.) Church Members
9.) Church Attenders (active members/attenders somewhere
around 600 people)
And that’s kind of where my thinking stopped, but then I
remembered several other categories of people who I wasn’t even sure where to
put on the list. What about extended family? My sister? And what about my neighbors, most of whom are unsaved and/or
un-churched? And what about old friends and people who I really cared about in
churches where I served before, and what about missionaries I know who need a touch now and then, and I could go on and on. The point isn’t where
these people would be placed on the list, or even whether my list is in the
correct order, but rather, the point is that I LET THEM ALL DOWN.
Don’t misunderstand. This thought process is not a result of anyone complaining at present. This comes from my own heart and mind. I feel
relationally challenged. I want to have an impact on all of these lives, and I
want to “be there” for all of these people, but I can’t. I just can’t. There
are not enough pieces of me to go around. In fact, when I really think through
this list of people, I can only draw the conclusion that relationally… I’m a
dismal failure.
As I look down through the list, I’m not where I want to be
after about, oh, the first one on the list. Most of the time I do prioritize my
wife, but sometimes I even let her down. After that, I’m nowhere close to where
I wish I could be, and it gets worse and worse as I look down the list. Take
#6, “Leaders of Leaders.” Sometimes all that happens there is maybe an email
every week or two, and not much else. How can this be? Yeah, I probably need to
make some more investments there, right? And what about my staff even? Oh,
sometimes I’m strong with one or two of them but often I feel like I’ve
completely lost touch with most of them. I let everyone down… whether they
realize it or not.
Ringing in my ears, I can hear all the advice that readers
might want to give me. Delegate more. Prioritize relationships more.
Make a point to reach out to more of the people on this list more…. More, more,
more. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll do some of that, and that will help with that person
or those people, but it will take away from someone else on the list, and then
I’ll need to shift again… and again and again. I am not an inexhaustible
resource.
In fact, I feel quite weak. I should be better at all of this.
I should have more to give. I really feel like I should. Why am I so inadequate
on almost every front? I feel like Bilbo… “like butter spread over too much
bread.” What am I saying? I am doomed to let everyone down… or at least,
myself.
Thankfully, thankfully, I am surrounded by understanding
people. Like I said, I’m not feeling pressured by the people on this list. I’m
pressuring myself. I’m disappointed with myself. I want to pour more into more
of these people. I really do. But I don’t know if I can.
And it isn’t really about time. I have time. I could make
more phone calls during the day. I could schedule a few more meetings. I could
make more plans to get together, and now that this is on my radar, I probably
will, but in the end I’m not sure this is really fixable, because the problem
is with my own limitations, not time.
How many close relationships can I really hope to have?
Looking back at my list, my heart is to have a very close relationship with
probably 30 people, and at least some kind of meaningful relationship with,
well, hundreds. Not possible. So what do I do? I play a balancing game and I’m
not sure I ever win.
I know, I know. Jesus had twelve… and inside of that He had
three… and outside of that there were others He likely knew well to varying
degrees (about 120 who wound up in the upper room). We could probably say Jesus
was very close to three, fairly close to twelve, and moderately close to 120.
Not bad. Not bad at all, but He was Jesus. Apparently my numbers are way too big. Okay. Who’s
out? I have more than three, just in family members.
What’s the point of all this? There is no point, really. I write to process problems, not solve them. I just wonder if anyone else struggles with all this too. Maybe I wanted someone to know they aren’t alone. Maybe I just needed to vent. Life is a challenge, but God is good. I know He will help me find the right balance. Prayers appreciated.
What’s the point of all this? There is no point, really. I write to process problems, not solve them. I just wonder if anyone else struggles with all this too. Maybe I wanted someone to know they aren’t alone. Maybe I just needed to vent. Life is a challenge, but God is good. I know He will help me find the right balance. Prayers appreciated.
