I don’t know what I once knew, because I forget stuff. I’ve
had the order of the books of the Bible memorized many times, but I’m not sure
I could get through them on the spot right now. Yesterday, in a dinner
conversation with church members, I couldn’t remember whether the Tower of Babel
happened before or after The Flood. Yeah, embarrassing. Last week, I
got mixed up between John 10:9-10 and 1 John 10:9-10. I think I even mixed in a
little Romans 8:9-10 for a nicely convoluted conglomeration of verses and an
un-sureness about where each of them came from. It was beautiful. Don’t worry,
I have it straight now… for at least another week or two until I forget again. I don’t know what I don’t know.
Earlier in my ministry, I was sure of many things. Now I’m
sure about a few things. I hold many beliefs much more loosely now and wonder
if I might be wrong much more often. Systematic theology now seems to me like a
bad idea. Many readers won’t understand. Many pastors and “mature” church
members hold to their beliefs with a fearful dogmatism that doesn’t allow them
to really consider the possibility of being wrong. Someone probably thinks I’m
in danger of liberalism now, but if so, you don’t know me very well. The point
is that I don’t know what I don’t know.
Recently, I was quoting something in Greek. I thought I had
been very careful in checking my resources, but later found out I had used the
wrong form of the word repeatedly in my sermon. I have well over 200 hours of
education from Baptist universities and seminaries. I have a Master’s degree
from a major seminary and have worked on doctorates in 2 different schools,
though I am far from finished. However, not knowing I would be doing what I am
doing today, I got the “wrong” degrees in the first place. I’ve never had a
course in Greek. “Oh, well why don’t you just take one,” someone says. I may. However,
I still won’t know what I don’t know. In fact, one wonders if one wouldn’t just
be more dangerous. Debatable. I don’t
know what I don’t know.
People consider me to be smart. They do. Everyone tells me
so. Then why do I constantly feel like such an idiot? I feel like I don’t know anything. Seriously.
I certainly don’t know as much about theology or exegesis or hermeneutics as my
Associate Pastor. He has an advanced degree with emphasis on Greek and Hebrew. He
reads scholarly journals in his spare time. I read Christianity Today… sometimes. In all seriousness, I do try to
continue my education and am fighting my way through Bonheoffer’s “The Cost of
Discipleship” right now, but I won’t remember what I learned from it next year.
In my Bible reading, I write down amazing new insights constantly. The problem
is, I probably had those same insights a year or two ago. I forgot. At one
point I could make a great case for who wrote the book of Hebrews, but now I
can’t remember my points. I don’t know
what I don’t know.
I wonder if any other pastors out there can identify with
this insecurity. We are supposed to know everything… at least about spiritual
things or the Bible. Some pastors act like they do, and I don’t blame them. That’s
one way to deal with this. We feel pressured to portray ourselves as experts. The
problem is that claiming to be an expert in the Bible is like claiming to be an
expert in life. The topic is way too huge. I think that if I really worked at
it for years, I might be able to become an expert on chapter eight of the book
of Romans. That would be a high, yet reasonable goal, maybe. Then again, even
at that, I still wouldn’t know what I
don’t know.
Let me wrap up this anxious rant with a prayer. Father, I
come to you in all humility. My brain isn’t big enough. I need to experience
the miracle of You speaking through me. I need Your Holy Spirit to fill me with
the right words in the right situations. Please use me in spite of me. Please
make up for my pitiful weakness. I am a fool… just a baby with a power tool… a
feeble-minded pea brain, who is slightly more or less educated than the other
pea brains on earth. Teach me what I really
need to know, Lord. You are the only One
who knows everything I don’t know.
